Commonality is Counterfeit Connection

Have you ever been in a conversation where you needed someone to just listen… but they talked about themselves the whole time?

Once I was going through a rough time.

The obstacles I faced loomed larger than normal, and I struggled to find clarity. To make things even more difficult, I also experienced an unexpected and deeply personal family tragedy.

It was one of those weeks where “life” was winning, and I was definitely losing.

And so I reached out to a trusted friend. I needed to process my thoughts, and needed emotional support.

However the conversation that followed was not what I expected… and was deeply frustrating. At the time, I was a little hurt even. Yet in hindsight this experience taught me a powerful lesson about influence, and forever changed how I approach other people who are also struggling.

Here’s what happened.

As we met up, I shared what was happening in my life. However before I could finish my thought, this person said, “Oh- I remember when that happened to me…” and they proceeded to tell THEIR experience.

And so I sat and listened.

Eventually seeing a break in the conversation, I tried to share more of what was happening to me, and mentioned the family tragedy.

“Yeah- when a similar family tragedy struck our family, we had to…” And then they proceeded to tell me all they remembered, and how it impacted THEM.

And so I sat and listened, feeling more frustrated.

The truth was, I had opened up because I needed help. I reached out because I needed support.

But this person was not listening. Rather, they used MY challenges to talk about THEIR experiences.

Was this intentional on their part? I don’t think so. They are a really great person that I respect and admire. I think they felt that talking about THEIR experiences would show that they understood me… that we had these shared trials in common.

But here’s the problem:

Commonality is a counterfeit form of connection.

Just because you have something in common doesn’t mean you have created emotional connection. Rather, emotional connection happens when you help someone feel heard, valued, understood, and cared for.

But sometimes OUR need to be heard unexpectedly gets in the way of THEIR need to be heard.

And so we build commonality, foolishly think we are creating connection. In reality, we are helping OURSELVES feel heard… when the other person still remains struggling and feeling alone.

Even though you are sitting right across from them.

Here’s my question for you to consider:

How can you hear THEIR need to be served if all you do is serve YOUR need to be heard?

In your next conversation, how can you intentionally help the other person feel heard, valued, understood, and cared for?

When you feel the urge to talk about YOURSELF, and to share a story from YOUR past… what if you paused and simply asked,

• “Wow- that sounds really difficult. Tell me more about that…”
• “I can tell you’ve really been carrying this for a while. How else is that showing up in your life?”
• “With all that you’ve shared in mind, what’s the biggest obstacle you are facing right now?”

You’ll be surprised at the response you receive. More importantly, you will be creating TRUE connection. Not just superficial commonality.

Go help someone feel heard this week,

Christian

CHRISTIAN HANSEN has gone behind the scenes in some of the biggest organizations in the world to find out the reasons why some people get chosen and why others don’t. As the #1 bestselling and LinkedIn Top Ten ranked author of “The Influence Mindset: The Art & Science of Getting People to Choose You” Christian helps teams and organizations who want to stand out and be the obvious choice. With degrees from Brigham Young University and The London School of Economics, he’s helped thousands of individuals position and sell themselves. A fan of international communication, history, and choral music, he currently lives in Utah with his wife. Reach him at: TheChristianHansen.com