The Rapport Trap
Jul 10, 2026
Have you ever had a conversation that you THOUGHT was going great… but it flopped?
And as you walked away, did you stop to wonder why?
A few years ago I was at a local expo wanting to support businesses in my community.
As I walked through rows of booths, I came across a representative for a rain-gutter company. You know, as in rain gutters for roofs… the practical stuff most homeowners eventually deal with.
The more I thought about it, I realized I actually had some issues with my gutters at home and figured I’d stop by and ask a few questions. Maybe this company could help?
The rep greeted me with a friendly smile, and we started chatting. She asked, “Do you need help with your gutters?”
I said, “Actually, yes, I do.”
So far so good, right?
But instead of showing how her company could solve my problem, she veered in a completely different direction.
She started asking about me… where I was from, my hobbies, and so on. I didn’t think much of it at first; after all, a little rapport-building isn’t unusual.
I answered politely, even cracked a few jokes (that’s my default when I feel a little awkward).
She laughed and said, “Wow, you’re pretty witty!”
I wasn’t sure where this was going, but I said, “Well, thanks.”
Then, out of nowhere, she asked, “Did you do theater in high school?”
I was caught off guard. “Uh, yeah, I actually did,” I replied.
“What plays were you in?” she asked eagerly. Surprised, I rattled off a few, and suddenly she lit up and started listing HER OWN high school theater experiences from years before.
Before I knew it, we were no longer talking about gutters… the problem I needed help with.
Instead, we were comparing high school theater productions! WHAT ON EARTH WAS HAPPENING?
At this point, I tried steering the conversation back to my gutters. I asked a couple of specific questions about their services, pricing, and options.
But instead of giving me details, she deflected and kept the conversation at the surface level.
It quickly became clear she didn’t have the answers nor the expertise I needed. Her goal wasn’t to solve my problem. Her goal was to get my contact information and set up an appointment with someone else.
And if I was going to solve my problem, I would have to spend more of my time talking to an expert to see if this option was the right opportunity for me.
I left the conversation frustrated and confused.
My problem wasn’t any closer to being resolved, and I felt like my time had been wasted on shallow rapport and surface-level banter.
The reason?
Instead of trying to solve my problem… she was trying to find commonality first.
Don’t get me wrong… commonality is not a bad thing.
But often times “commonality” makes you and me feel safe, instead of helping the other person feel taken care of.
That right there is the whole difference.
I entered the conversation to have a problem solved.
And since she couldn’t solve my problem, she entered the conversation wanting to first… feel safe.
I walked away frustrated, and never contacted their company.
So often we are told to “build trust” with people. But trust doesn’t come from rapport alone. Trust comes from me believing you have my best interests at heart, and want to help me reach my destination.
Essentially, you don’t build trust by finding common ground. You instead find common ground by helping someone feel you’re on a common path, trying to solve the same thing.
So here’s my nudge this week… the people you talk to aren’t looking for someone who “gets” them.
They’re looking for someone who can help them.
When you make that subtle shift, you’ll be amazed at how quickly trust follows.
I think you’ll find people will be much more interested in talking with you, because you’ll be much more interested in them.
And no one will feel gutted over their gutters.
Christian
CHRISTIAN HANSEN has gone behind the scenes in some of the biggest organizations in the world to find out the reasons why some people get chosen and why others don’t. As the #1 bestselling and LinkedIn Top Ten ranked author of “The Influence Mindset: The Art & Science of Getting People to Choose You” Christian helps teams and organizations who want to stand out and be the obvious choice. With degrees from Brigham Young University and The London School of Economics, he’s helped thousands of individuals position and sell themselves. A fan of international communication, history, and choral music, he currently lives in Utah with his family. Reach him at: TheChristianHansen.com
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